If I die, and you live
by E-mu saru
Summary: how Heero would live with Duo's death; or how Duo would live with Heero's death... or how they would live in separate worlds, or in one home- rated M for the deaths.


**if I die, and you live... -nov 3, 2013**

_Disclaimer: G-boys are not saru's... as always saru put in the other disclaimer_

It's just a theory about that butterfly-effect thing; I've never put much thought in something like that before.

The-child in me was formed to be a soldier, whether it was my choice or not; so all I see was logics, and consequence for lack of better word... that everything had its following result; be it reward or punishment. That something either turned right or turned wrong. I was trained to analyze; while Duo liked to gamble... although sometimes he won, and my calculation turned to be wrong; but the consequence was always there, following everything. Because I knew that our time could only move forward; and the-child's eyes in me that were trained to see like a soldier sometimes let me see things that were out of logical explanation, or sanity, or present time when I was alone... I was just trained to ignore them, the visions of the-child's eyes that never see the world outside of me-

x - - - - - - - - x

Heero got out of the car first, I followed after him; noticing how he took a fast glance at the little girl and her puppy across the street playing jump rope, and his furtive smile and the sadness layered his eyes for a brief second. There's always something with Heero and little girls with their puppies that he never told me about; I could guess what happened, so I never asked him. He's carrying more scars on his soul than everyone else I've ever met, scars that didn't really heal; and everyone kept saying that he's so robot-like.

Sometimes I wanted to beat those people to bloody pulp when I heard them said that; when Heero's not around at the time, because he'd just act mature and let it pass. And that's how I saw him; he's just a person who was forced to be mature before experiencing his childhood... I was hoping I could bait his childish side out at times; the-child inside him was still there, so I wanted that child to see more of the world and live.

I closed the car door and turned to see him standing on the sidewalk; the upper floors of store building was covered with mirroring glasses, and he saw the workers on the building right across our stop pulling the new spa's neon sign up with pulleys while another worker fixing the lower part to its structure; its length covered 2 stories and the structure started at the base of the third floor. A little boy was playing a red rubber ball on the fourth-floor terrace of an apartment next to it. Heero turned around with a dissatisfied frown, took another look at the workers and their work, at the boy bouncing the red ball on the terrace, at the little girl and her puppy playing jump rope on the sidewalk of the apartment; then he took assessment of the street, looking left and right.

He still did that, like he had to find a safe escape route from anywhere; I had to make him forget about that habit, I thought. Then his eyes turned to me, knowing what ran in my mind.

"What flavors should we get?" he asked levelly.

"Everything that could get into our cooler is fine." I smiled. He nodded and pushed the store door; the bell hung on the doorframe chimed, a store worker greeted him.

A shift in the air stopped my feet.

A horror-filled shrill.-

A red ball bouncing on the street-

"MISSYYYY...-!" a little girl's voice screamed anxiously.

I turned and saw the puppy chased the red bouncing ball; since there's always that something with dogs and round-bouncing-objects... and the little girl chased the fluffy bouncing bag-of-fur crossing the street.

A car came fast enough from the right and didn't have the time to dodge the puppy _and_ the little girl at the same time. Heero had seen it coming when he frowned with dissatisfaction before; and I saw it coming that he would put the little girl's life before his own.

The screeching tires-

Heero landed on the other lane hugging the little girl; cushioning her fall with his own body. I barely noticed the car swerved towards me.

A loud crash thrown me a few paces forward on my knees and elbows; I could still hear that horror-filled shrill and looked up to see the little boy flailing and kicking with half his body hanging on the terrace railing, trying with all his might not to fall forward as his feet had already lost their ground. Boys got into accidents more often than girls; it's because the testosterone in males made us think that we could take chances with dangers -Heero might be able to pull the accurate statistic data about that from memory alone, without his laptop in hand... Oh, that beloved laptop of his that sometimes worth my rivalry-

A sudden loud horn took my attention to the street again, a water-gallons carrier truck came towards Heero and the little girl head on; the driver might have seen them too late as they're lying on the street and his attention stolen by the crashing car-

"HEEROOOO-!" I screamed in horror; a part of me knew it was the end-

x - - - - - - - - x

I heard Duo screamed my name; I didn't have time to get up or react any other way beside curling my body on top of the girl's, my fast calculation told me she could fit the space between the truck's wheels if I just spoon behind her to bent her legs and -

-a loud swishing sound mocked my decision and a shattering crash condemned my judgment.

The truck crashed on its side just in time before those wheels ran over my head, as the gallons exploded and sprayed everywhere; the asphalt flooded with water towards me and the hysterical little girl... the red water seeped into my coat and pants and dyed the fabrics pink.

A woman was screaming somewhere outside my narrowed vision; the boy screamed with new vigor, calling out 'mama' over and over-

Somehow you've pictured it in your mind that when your loved ones got into accidents, you'd immediately come to their sides to help; but I couldn't even feel my own body anymore... I tried assessing everything so that this should never happen; but it happened, anyway.

The red water surrounded me and my world-

x - - - - - - - - x

"_Is this for real?" I asked the lawyer lady, who had introduced herself as Ms. Wayne. "It could be a __**scam**__, Heero...!" I hissed into Heero's ear, but made sure she could hear it if not read my lips. A stranger named __**Wayne**__ saying she'd give someone she'd never met a house -reeked of tricks, right?_

_She chuckled with a mature impact; I hate it when others managed to show their maturity and pointed out my childishness without effort, and right to my face too!_

Well, I'm mature too! 18 years old should be legally adult by law... -yeah, at least I thought I'm 18 now; since I don't have the papers to back that up! _-was floating inside my head at that moment, and__ to show her that I'm an adult capable to judge things with my mature mind, I pouted dignifiedly-_

"_I don't know anyone by this name." Heero said levelly, turning his eyes from the papers in his hand to the lawyer lady's eyes._

"_Yes; but apparently the deceased knew you. He'd pointed you to inherit his residence in his living will; he didn't have any relatives and he said you don't have any as well." Ms. Lawyer said with a smile._

"_Him and probably more than a quarter of the world's population...!" I quipped; though it's not convincing enough of a statement, Heero should be able to pull an accurate statistic number for that._

"_Probably." she smiled at me, I could see in her eyes the _'but the quarter of the world's population wasn't mentioned in the will'_ left unsaid. "The deceased knew you by name; and it might be uncomfortable to know this, but he used to watch you passed by from his window-"_

"_THAT'S CREEPY!" I pointed out, Heero pulled his head an inch away from my side but he didn't flinch._

_She chuckled again, "I assure you it was an innocent interest-"_

"_Innocent as how a lonely old man who'd shunned other's company and the world in general put an interest on a boy who passed by his window every__day?!" I pointed out. Heero blinked repeatedly at me and frowned in dislike at how I've put it in words and what I had implied__; _if you were in that old man's shoes, you would have such your-kind of _interest_! -_was in his eyes; I pretended I didn't notice it__._

_The lawyer lady chuckled deeper at our mechanism. "Yes; he said he knew you as ex-pilot of Gundam 01."_

"_Him and almost everyone in this planet and the Colonies-!" I quipped._

"_-Not!" Heero pressured with a stern voice; at me._

_And I just realized what I'd said. "-...sorry." I turned at him levelly__; looked him in the eyes with the '_but that's just you in denial!_'-stare__._

"_The deceased realized that you're trying to put that life in the past; and he was concerned at the possibility that you have to struggle to adapt to ordinary life-" she put her hand up when I tried to say anything to that, I stopped myself when she smiled meaningfully at me; "...and he said that you have saved him more than once when the war was still going on; eventhough you might have not realized it or intended that to happen, Mr. Yuy." she finished her sentence looking at Heero._

"_You should know that there are people who see you as heroes instead of war criminals..." she looked at me and Heero in turns. "But I understand that you don't want to open that chapter of your life to the world, and so did the deceased; so he'd pointed you as 'the boy resembled my deceased son' in his will. I do hope you would take this as-"_

"_If we don't have to pay for rent every month, we could give more to the orphanage." Heero said to me._

_Ms. Lawyer shut her mouth with a click; for once losing her mature smile in surprise. I felt like I've won the battle-_

"_. . . that we could." I mulled over it; or acted like it. It was Heero's decision, anyway; it was his name on the old man's will, I'll just follow him everywhere. __-wait; that had sounded like I was a stalker...!  
-__but __thank goodness that creepy-... I meant the deceased old man was already dead; or else, I'd refused this whole thing right away. Oh, she saw that in my eyes, too._

"_Is there a catch in this whole will-thing?" I asked Ms. Lawyer straightforwardly._

_She cleared her throat, trying to fix her smile back to her face; "I don't know if you would consider this a catch; but the deceased had asked you, if you decided to live in the residence he'd inherited to you, that you should live there with the one you love the most..." her smile was not quite intact in the end. It's just as odd as it sounded for a will of a dead old man living by himself for the most of his life till __it __end__ed; she might think that we'd accuse the old man of being a voyeur even as a ghost, or something; but we understood too well the need to be left alone by the world and their problems... she probably forgotten about us being ex-guerrillas or what it meant to be one__._

_-people nowadays would understand more the word _terrorists _or_ agents_ instead of _guerrillas_._

_I blinked repeatedly acting like I tried to wrap my mind at the term that she'd said, Heero just plain stared at her __unblinking __without expressing nothing; we stared her until she looked uncomfortable, and I took pity on her and decided she didn't deserve the punishment._

"_Is that me?" I asked Heero while still staring at her, believing what his answer about his most beloved person would be._

"_Yes." Heero __was still__ staring at her without blinking._

"_There's nothing else that could be considered as a catch or two in that will?" I asked._

"_...no-" she jerked from her uncomfortable trance._

"_Done__!__" I said. "Just give him the papers he needs to sign."_

"_Yes, sure. I have them with me-" she lost her pace a little as she flustered._

"_You haven't told us where this residence located." Heero pointed._

"_Oh, it's two blocks from here-" she pointed to the west._

"_Where Mr. Singer's Pizza just around the corner, right?" I cut; I just entertained the thought that the old man had seen Heero passing by that way while buying a box of pizza for me after work._

"_That's right." she brightened._

"_Alright! Pizza every__ meal__...!" I pulled a 'yes' pose. Heero stared at me with disapproving look. I laughed at him and stole a peck on his nose__; it was a joke when I was still laughing, but most probably not when I do eat it every meal time -and he knew that too__._

-that was a little over two months ago. The place the old man we never met had left us was a whole-floor attic apartment room on top of an eight storeys old building, with an antique round window fitted with stained glass with a diameter of 2.5 meters on the wall of its living room. I squealed and bounced like a schoolgirl at the sight of that window; I remembered the Maxwell church in L2 had a round window like that, albeit far smaller in size.

That one round window that didn't survive the war...

x - - - - - - - - x

"Heero... you need to eat something. Please? At least drink some water-"

Wu Fei tried to coax me again; he'd known since a long time ago that when I shut the world off, then I wouldn't even care if the world exploded. You'd think he'd stop trying after two days of fruitless efforts.

His cell phone rang, he abruptly took a distance from me and received it; it should be Quatre or Trowa at the wake... That meant tomorrow's the funeral.

I didn't want to be there.

x - - - - - - - - x

"_How is he doing?"_

I sighed, and reflexively ran my fingers through my tight-pulled hair; "...still not responding to anything. At least we should be grateful that he's not suicidal as we'd thought...!"

"_-Wu Fei...!"_ Quatre admonished me; but I could sense that he thought the same. _". . . what is he doing now?"_

"Now, yesterday, the day before yesterday; he's still at his laptop making an analysis model. He doesn't eat, he doesn't sleep; he doesn't STOP-!" I caught myself and glanced at Yuy's back from the kitchen door; he might have heard me but didn't care to care. I sighed again; ". . . maybe you should try instead of me, Winner."

"_...what model?"_

I paused.

". . . a model analyzing the accident scene. He's trying to find a scenario where Maxwell could've survived it." I tried to sound as level as I could.

"_-ohh, Heero...-"._ There were some rustling noises, and Barton was on the line.

I knew Winner would break down; if he could face a living's raw emotions head on, he would've been here and I could be at Maxwell's wake right now. "Winner's alright?" I asked flatly.

"_Quite."_ Barton said; his calm voice soothed me a little. Maybe he should've been here... He'd nurtured Yuy from the Limbo once, right?

"_Just spray water all over him from a bottle, like you'd do a cactus; be careful not to spray it on his laptop."_

"- . . . what?"

"_In case he's dehydrated. And you're saying he's not suicidal."_ he pointed calmly. He must have heard my words before.

"Barton..." I said carefully; "It's not a joking material."

"_I'm not. I did that when he's in my circus carriage, until Catherine saw it and stopped me."_

". . . for real?" I asked doubtfully.

"_I wasn't that bad; but you could try it now."_

"TROWA BARTON...!" I admonished him with the sternest voice I could muster.

If it was Maxwell, he'd laughed before saying the next thing; Barton would just skip it, that made most people couldn't quite catch it when he's joking._"That upped your spirit a little. Don't break down now, Wu Fei. We need you on your feet."_

_-ughhh.__ You should at least chuckle if you try to cheer someone up.  
_". . . okay; sorry." I grumbled.

"_You could put wet towels on him-"_

"What is he, a stranded whale?!-" I cut the phone; and sighed, turning to Yuy in front of his laptop; he hadn't changed a pose in three days and two nights it's like a bizarre fata morgana...

-I really wished it were.

x - - - - - - - - x

I hugged Heero's urn, I drank chocolate milk Wu Fei made for me every three hours, and I cried my eyes out for three days. We had Heero cremated at the end of the accident day, it was somewhat in a rush; but I couldn't stand the thought of his dead body lied on a metal table with his head-...

I'd been hysterical the whole time; the smell of the burnt flesh and the burning gas still filled my nostrils... even in their runny state as of now.

Quatre had collapsed during the cremation; he couldn't handle my exploding grieve and his own at the same time. Trowa took him to his resting house out of town; I was just grateful that he still had someone by his side.

And I thanked God that Wu Fei was still there with me-

". . . I know, Maxwell. I thanked Heaven that you're still with me too." he patted my shoulder and tried to smile.

I thought I've said it every time he put a new cup of chocolate milk on the coffee table next to the sofa... probably.

His cell phone rang, and he patted my shoulder again once and left to the kitchen. It must be Trowa.

x - - - - - - - - x

"_How is Duo?"_

Barton's voice always had that calming effect. I figured Winner's condition was better. I sighed, scratching the back of my head; "He still couldn't swallow any food. I'm grateful he still could drink chocolate milk, at this rate. I just make him a new cup every time the last cup empty... He's still crying his eyes out to sleep; and cried again when he's awake. -How''s Winner?"

"_Quatre's awake. I just don't know where his mind is right now."_

I pictured Winner with a blue screen, in Yuy's term -for lack of better comparisson in my mind right now. I felt half bad thinking that way. ". . . is he responsive?"

"_You don't have to worry about Quatre. Just please take care of Duo right now."_

"You don't have to tell me that, Barton. How are you holding up?" I asked levelly. I knew a little part of him took refuge in the thought that Yuy was almost like an immortal, during the war; to have him died that way was . . .

I heard him sighed a little. He took a long pause before saying another word.

"_. . . it's not up to me, Wu Fei. Call me if anything happens; I'll do the same."_

"You hang in there, Barton. I'll do the same." I meant it with my whole heart. Yuy was one of the few fighters that I've respected as a soldier, as a comrade, as a friend and as a human; I just hoped he could've lived peacefully longer than he did... he'd earned it.

"_Yes."_ I heard his small smile in that simple word.

Duo blew his nose on the long sofa, it must be their cuddling spot under the colorful lights passing through that huge round window's stained glass; I took a look at him and knew how much he loved Yuy. They'd earned that peaceful life where they should be filling it with love they'd never received in their past.

How Fates could be so cruel-

I sat on the sofa nearer to the front door and continued reading the book I've been reading since I took Duo home after the cremation -of which content didn't enter my brain; something about a vampire girl that somehow hunted down by her own shadow she'd lost when she was still human, taken by a wizard or something alike... and that I summed up from the writing on the back cover.

When it's gotten dark, Maxwell was fast asleep still hugging Yuy's urn tightly. I've been waiting for that to happen; and like the days before, I carried him to the bed. His body was getting much lighter each day; and I swore I had to find a way so he would be able to eat again.

-probably if he'd stop crying, he'd be able to swallow something light; like puree or porridge. I had some recipes that he might like... if he could just stop crying...

x - - - - - - - - x

I've been staring at the laptop screen for the last hour -at least I thought it was an hour; my model still gave me the same results even if I tried shifting something or swapping things with another; some results were bad, some were there was always that pattern confronted me in the end... -

I did find a safe spot where Duo could be safe; exactly where he'd been thrown to by the force of impact where the car crashed to the store, hitting our car in the process and made it pushed Duo to safety... if only he didn't come running towards me when that carrier truck came my way, he wouldn't have gotten hit by the swinging neon sign and smashed into the truck's load.

No.  
If he hadn't screamed my name, the workers operating the pulleys of the neon sign wouldn't have been caught by surprise and let the ropes slip and made the neon sign swung on its fixed bottom... -or it might have been the crashed car, or the boy's shrill... or the sight of the boy almost falling from the terrace railing visible from the mirroring glass of the store-

But that would mean nothing stopping that truck from crushing my head- Duo might have wished that that little girl wasn't there with her puppy.

-No!  
If only that red ball didn't fall down to the street in the first place-

. . . if we didn't stop by the store to buy some ice creams for the kids, and just went straight to the orphanage...-

x - - - - - - - - x

"Yuy. I know you don't want to mind me right now; but please..., please, at least take some rest?" I begged him earnestly for the last time, noticing his trembling hands that lied limply on the keyboard for the past hours. He'd ignored me the whole time he'd paused, or just the whole time the-whole-time; if he would still ignore me now, I had intended to just hit him on the back of his neck, make him unconscious, and carry him to the bed. It's already night now, I didn't want him to miss Duo's funeral tomorrow; he might regret it for the rest of his life if he missed it.

To my surprise, Yuy pulled his hands to his laps; waited for another minute before standing up and walked stiffly to the bedroom. I could only imagine what his legs must've felt like, sitting unmoving for three days like that; no- they must have been numbed for a long time. He must've moved them solely by his auto-pilot mode; like when he ran with a broken bone sticking out from his leg once. I didn't want to think how he was trained for the war...

x - - - - - - - - x

I woke up with a jerk in the dark bed room; my floating mind immediately searched for the weight of Heero's urn in my arms, I relaxed a bit when my brain registered that it's still there. Then the other senses woke up; I realized I was lying on my right side on my side of the bed, my back to Heero's empty side...

There was a feeling of presence behind me, as if Heero was still lying there; I sobbed and curled my body hugging the urn tighter. A thought popped in my head, that I could put Heero's urn lying on his side of the bed and pretend that he's still there. I forced a smile while whimpering and wiped the tears from my eyes with the back of my left hand; and turned my heavy body around...

-and I saw him there; lying on his side, looking like he was seeing a ghost... looking like a failed zombie-look-alike. It might have been my tears playing tricks on me, but I saw his figure almost shining in transparent form; as bad looking as he was at the moment... I saw him like an angel-

x - - - - - - - - x

-it was like a flickering hologram picture; at first I thought I've lost my mind, but then the picture moved and faced me. It was Duo in his worst day; I've never seen his face so puffy like now... he must have cried his eyes out for days. The metal urn in his arms glinted and caught my eyes for a brief second -and I understood...

It's something that butterfly-effect thing or that alternate worlds theory had been spoken by bored scientists or passionate sci-fi enthusiasts; just like my model had showed the pattern to me for the last three days... -it was either me or Duo. If there's a world where he died, crashed by that swinging neon sign that stopped the truck; there could be a world where the neon sign didn't fall and the truck's wheels had crushed my head instead.

I must have died in his world, thus he survived-

. . . and that was what I'd been searching for in the last three days; that certitude that he was still alive eventhough it would cost me my life-

-that was what I'd wanted to do; I'd protect him with my own life.

And only then that I allowed myself to cry my heart out...

-I loved him so much that it hurt.

- . . . . . . . it really hurt.

x - - - - - - - - x

x - - - - - - - - x

**Fin**-  
. . . or continued?

_saru's note:  
saru had this idea about the apartment/attic room that was superimposing with itself in another alternate world for a long time; it should be for a short comic story, but then again... our three editors asked us to make more mystery/horror comics, instead._

_hm? wait- ...it is a mystery/horror material, right?  
yeah; let's make it into comics ...after we finished the two books we owed our editors since 2011. -oops!_

_-oh, if you ask saru about the main character of this fic, it's definitely that huge round window! hahahahaa_


End file.
